On Sunday, February 16, 2013 after Mass, I wanted to go over to Renninger's Market for some meat. I decided to take PoohBear and Tootlehead with me for a change. Big deal, yeah, actually, it was.
You see, that day was my mother's birthday...she would have been 62 years old, if she were still alive.
I haven't been to my mother's grave for many years. Never really felt the need to go there until this specific Sunday.
I told the littles that mommy needed to go to the cemetery where her mommy is for a few minutes to say some prayers over her grave.
They didn't really get it, it was cold, the littles waited in the van very near by. I took the short walk to the grave. Once I got there, I said my prayers for the dead, then really talked to her, as though she were there, meaning alive.
All at once, I was very sad, for many reasons....One was because I miss my mom more than I realized I did. However, that isn't all. My mother will not know my children (her many grandchildren) and their crazy antics in this world, she isn't able to interact with them, watch them grow up. This made me very sad.
My mother's life was a difficult one, I know that. I truly wish that things could have been different for her in this world, but God was in control even if she didn't think so or see it.
At the time of her death, I grieved, and questioned God's reason, but knew that in general, it was better that way and kind of pushed her death out of my mind. Sure I have re-lived the whole day of the death and tried to let go, but it never worked.
I was finished saying my prayers, and was heading back to the van, but realized more needed to be said to her, so I turned around, marched back to the grave and talked more. After talking to her on her birthday, I told her I was sorry that she had a hard life, that she never got to remarry, or be able to see her grandchildren.
Once I was finished, I felt a sense of peace wash over me that I haven't felt before when dealing with her death. It will be 10 year in November that she died. I understand I will always miss my mother (some times more than others), and even have regrets for things that were left unsaid, things that were said, or even feelings that shouldn't have been. But after this special Sunday, I know, I can go to the grave and tell her what is on my mind and get it out there. I may not have an immediate reconciliation with anything, but at least I know I'm able to do something to help me when it comes to missing my mom.
Even though it is late, I want to wish my mother a happy birthday, and I want her to know I love her, and always will...I am now at peace with things and feel like it will be ok.
I guess the big thing for me to tell you today is if you have said something, or not said something that is of importance you need to say it whether it is in person or by letter, just let them know what is on your mind, you never know if you will be too late. I know I was.
God bless!
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